knickersoaker.

So, I know we’ve already featured Mr. Shia Lebouf, but I never really gave him a second thought…until I read a rave review of his performance (in bed) over at Tales From A Groupie: Shia Labeouf.

Even if you never really thought he was all that, just try and read this without soaking your knickers, I dare you.

Now there’s the beef.

-theslyestfox

So I don’t know about you but I’ve always had this secret sexual fantasy that involves going to the studio of an adorable, genius painter, and having him paint on my naked body. Can you imagine? He starts by running brushes up your thighs and soon you’re so consumed with passion that you’re both completely covered in paint, rolling around on a giant canvass on the floor making art with your bodies, literally and figuratively. Afterward you can even hang the finished product up in your apartment.

Now that’s what I call “Abstract Sexpressionism” - Jackson Pollock, eat your heart out.

-theslyestfox

(via fuckyeahindieboys)

Really? Really!? Oooooohkay. I don’t even know where to start with this one.

Am I the only person who prefers doin’ it with the actual lights on? Do people still have sex in total darkness all the time? Like, so much darkness that it warrants a light that hooks over your ear so you can try (and, if you’re using one of these, probably also fail) to find the clitoris? Really? I mean, I’m sorry but if you’re as old as the guy in the picture is and you still need a light to navagate your way around a vagina then you were either super late to the game or you’re completely useless.

I might add that the product clearly can’t help this man, because even with the light he still hasn’t noticed that she’s still got her knickers on (and they’re probably bone dry).

Similarly, notice how it says “4-U BOTH” on the left there? Do they actually think that a girl would need a light to find somebody’s boner? No no no wait, here’s a better question: “If you need a light to find the (hopefully by the time you get the headset on) erect member of your sex partner do you really still want to go through with the whole ordeal? Does he?! Because if you need one of these to find his junk either it’s pretty tiny or you’re totally inept.”

I should hope that people aren’t so useless in bed. Jesus.

-theslyestfox

P.S. Also note how in the description of the product the headline is “FINALLY! The Oral Sex Head Light!”, as if this is just what we’ve all been waiting for.

I don’t know about you, but I love showering with people. If you’re the type that feels like they prefer to shower alone, do me a favor…Imagine for a second that you’ve just woken up beside this beautiful creature, and he rolls over and kisses you and asks if you want to come have a shower. So you throw on one of his shirts, which barely covers your ass, just in case one of his roomates is already awake to see you creep into the bathroom. You adjust the heat on the water and step in, and then move to the back of the tub so he can join you. You turn around to look at him and are rewarded with this sight: the warm water cascading down his neck, and pooling on his broad shoulders while the sun catches the shower spray in it’s shining fingers, scattering light and sparkling droplets all over his taut skin. You stand there for a moment, willing this image to burn itself into your memory so you never have to lose it, and then you step forward, put your arms around his waist and press your body against him, nuzzling your face into his neck.

If that doesn’t change your mind about wanting to shower with someone consider this: it’s pretty much the only time your back can get a really good scrubbing, and if having someone else wash your hair is the best part about going to the salon, imagine getting that at home, too. Plus shower sex is totally underrated. It can get as messy as possible, and you’re still clean afterwards. Genius.

-theslyestfox

After a rousing session of “Oh my god, oh my GOD, yes! Ungh! Ahhhhh, ohhhhhh my godohmygodohmygod. Uh-huh! Uhhhh!” this is precisely the face you want to see.

-theslyestfox

dear boys,

they’re called Pubococcygeus muscles (or “PC muscles” if you don’t feel like figuring out how to pronounce pubococcygeus). start exercising them. girls everywhere will thank you, ‘cause if you get good enough at them and time them right you can have orgasms without actually ejaculating, and then you can keep on going and do it AGAIN. which exponentially increases our chances of orgasm. come to think of it, you’ll thank you, too, cause sometimes you not only get to please your partner, but it’s also possible for you to have multiple orgasms. so…yeah. get on that.

affectionately,

every girl, everywhere. (and a ton of other boys, too, actually)

p.s. i can’t decide if it’s funny or horrifying that the dude in the picture is wearing a shirt that says “That Guy”. little bit of column A, little bit of column B, probably.

-theslyestfox

Individually these boys aren’t so hot. Put ‘em all together though and you’ve got Team Knickersoaker! In science this concept is called strong emergence, basically meaning that “The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.” In sexual terms this concept is called “ORGY!”

-theslyestfox